“This IS my Everest!”
--Michael Khuraibet
I was going to write
about fitness a little later in my Oola Journey; however, I decided that this a
topic that warrants being addressed now since it is so important to me. I will likewise revisit this topic at the end
of my Oola Journey series, in order to monitor the progress that I’ve made. Fitness is a tough one for me because it
correlates directly to my self-image. It
is a very complex issue; no doubt, because of my upbringing.
I was the daughter
of a physician and a full-time homemaker.
As such, my dad recognized the importance of nutrition, even at the
earliest age. My mother was an
outstanding cook; we all benefitted from her culinary skills. However, my dad, although well-intentioned, took
nutrition to the extreme. Beauty was
intrinsically tied to how thin we were.
We were not beautiful unless we were thin. We had to meet his standards of perfection. This is very ironic since he carried a good
extra thirty extra pounds on his small frame.
When I reached
puberty, my father did too! A mid-life
crisis struck him hard. He was 64 years
old; I was 13. He decided he needed to
lose weight. He did not eat much and I
would dare say, probably anorexic. He
went down to 104 pounds; he looked like he had cancer and in fact, most people
were questioning his health. He began to
exercise daily and dragged me with him on 5 mile bike rides. I lost weight; not because I wanted to but
because I was forced to. Eventually, at
the tender age of 13, I went to Weight Watchers and lost 10 pounds to a
“normal” 93 pounds for my medium frame which was 5’1” at that time. However, my self-esteem had been so badly
scarred by that time, I felt fat. It was
the era of Twiggy – straight hair and super-skinny; I did not fit the mold of
beauty by a longshot with my curly hair and natural curves. As a result, I have felt fat throughout my
entire life. No matter how thin I was, it
was never enough; hence, my ongoing struggle with beauty and its tie-in to my
weight.
Throughout my late teens and into my early 20’s, I was
still criticized for my weight. Ten
pounds extra and I was told “your ass is too big, sweetie.” It was a constant struggle to keep myself at
a healthy weight. Losing weight merely
meant keeping the criticism at bay. It
had nothing to do with being healthy or unhealthy. I simply didn’t wish to hear about how fat I
had gotten.
In my 30’s, I got absolutely svelte. I was the thinnest I had been in my life and
yet, I still felt fat. It was the result
of a severe depression and nearly non-stop panic attacks. Marriage
problems, my husband’s over-involvement in a Gulf War public relations
campaign, which brought unwelcome attention to our family, and post-partum depression were what I attribute to this
weight loss. I developed hypertension,
the result of genes and stress; so I exercised. The combination of weight loss and exercise
resulted in my actually having a healthy lifestyle. However, a couple of years into it, I moved
to Kuwait. As a result of not being able
to exercise over there, I gained back 10 lbs.
Not a good place for me. The
birth of my fourth child resulted in a large weight gain, which I was unable to take off. It was as if my metabolism came to a complete standstill.
During my divorce, I lost 40 lbs. Again, not in a healthy manner – I simply
couldn’t eat. Yes, I lost weight – and
quickly. I began to get looks and
stares that I was not comfortable with.
I was propositioned. Although I
am quite outspoken on social media, give speeches without batting an eye, and write about the most intimate details of my life, I am in fact a shy person in the "real" world. I tend to make friends with
those I deem unattainable; members of the opposite sex who are either
incredibly good looking, married or homosexual.
I am the one who was always the friend, never the girlfriend in high
school. It is a role I grew accustomed
to and am still comfortable with; again tied to my weight and self-esteem
issues. Over the years, women have told
me I am extremely beautiful. I do not
see it. I will accept complements such
as you’re smart, funny, et cetera; quite happily, in fact. But when it comes to my looks – nope, that is
one area that I struggle with. The Bible says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30. Yes, I love that verse
because it looks at the beauty of one’s heart and not the outer physicality of
our appearance.
So, why fitness at this point of my Oola Journey? Well, subsisting on 500 calories a day was
bound to never last. And yes, I did gain
back 30 lbs. of weight. My self-esteem
is at an all-time low right now because of it.
I have joined a gym and am determined to get back to a healthy
weight but more importantly, achieve the physical fitness I had in my 30's. I realize that my weight is not just a physical struggle but for me, a
mental one. I am depressed because I am
overweight, yet I eat because I am depressed.
It is a vicious merry-go-round and one I need to jump off of once and for all.
My biggest challenge is overcoming a huge Oola blocker -- fear! You see, when I look good,
I begin to attract attention from men and this is again, tied to another part
of my past. As a victim of abuse, any
physical attention from men is difficult for me.
Yet, a part of me still wants to be with someone. Do I dare say it? Maybe even I deserve someone who is
attractive, funny and smart.
So, my first
steps in my Oola fitness plan begin tomorrow. I am
meeting with a personal trainer. I need
a healthy outlet and a way to work past the fear, the depression and yes, even the pain of working out on a regular basis. Once I can work
through this, I am certain that I am destined to achieve the goal of not just
being physically fit but looking and feeling better about myself. Living an Oola life is important to me and fitness is an integral part of it.
I thank all those who have reached out along the way. You continue to be important and I am ever
grateful. This is my first blog on OolaFitness
but certainly not my last. I will check
in periodically and let you know how I am doing.
In the meantime, how are YOU doing in this area of your
life? Make the time for yourself. Yes, even I can say, I am important enough to
want to be better in ALL seven areas of my OolaLife; faith, fun, fitness,
finances, friends, field and family. Fitness is my most difficult area of Oola to
achieve and yet, I know it is possible.
Not just because it is Oola but also because of my hub; faith. For, “I can do all everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
As you move through your Oola Journey, be a
blessing to others as you have been blessed. It is your life but make
the necessary changes; not just to improve yourself but so you can be awesome enough to
step out and improve the world. Now THAT is a very Oola concept indeed.
"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me...." Philippians 3:14
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