Today, I listened to a song by Matthew West called "Broken Girl". The song made me sad because I WAS that broken girl. The bigger question is "How did I move beyond my past?" I can tell you this...therapy alone doesn't cut it. Perhaps it does for some, but not for me.
No, my past was bigger than that, and something I struggled with for years. It haunted me because out of my past came my marriage; something I was completely unable to handle. I had no business getting married with such a screwed up childhood. But, like all young adults, I thought it was the "right" thing to do. I was wrong and I paid for it for 31 years.
I began my walk with Christ at the age of thirteen. I was raised a reform Jew and frankly, although we went to Temple weekly, reform Judaism was new to the scene and was still being figured out at that time; the question being, how to take an ancient religion and assimilate into the 20th century. No small task. However, my parents thought it was best for us. I did not really learn much about the faith other than the stories and traditions associated with it. As a interfaith couple, I was sent to Vacation Bible School in summer; probably more to give my mom a rest than to instill faith. Yet, I loved it. I looked forward to it every summer. The church was walking distance with only the parsonage separating my house from the church. We sang, made crafts, played games and had a carnival at the end of the week. Oh and yes, learned a thing or two about the Christian faith; mainly about Jesus and how He loved us.
As time went on, I found my belief in Christ outweighed my understanding of Judaism. Was there a heaven and hell? I thought so (and still do), although it wasn't really mentioned at temple. No, at temple we learned about Noah and Moses, Queen Esther and the Maccabees but no mention of an afterlife. I felt unsettled. I had already, in my thirteen years, experienced more than any child should have to; I wanted assurance that despite my past, I was going to heaven.
I lost that child-like faith in my early teens and it didn't return until my early thirties. Crisis tends to bring one closer to God and I was in the midst of one. A failing marriage, a father who committed suicide and an anxiety disorder that took over my life. It was the perfect storm. I began to read in my Bible more and more. I found Jesus again and fortunately, He forgave me for straying. Yet, I continued to live with anxiety and self-doubts. I was still broken. I sought counseling but not even that helped. I finally decided it was time to forgive -- forgive the person who took away my innocence. Now, I'm not saying this was an easy task, as I had the full gamut of PTSD and full-blown anxiety. But, Christ walked with me and through it. I forgave the person for the acts perpetrated upon me. My story doesn't end there, though.
As time went on, I continued my walk with Christ. I am still a follower and it is through His love that I was able to survive the further trauma of the emotional abuse I went through during 31 years of marriage. It is through Christ that forgiveness was found. It is through Him that I am fully healed. Yes, I sought a good three years of therapy and over the ensuing months, realized that God really does put "earthly" angels in our paths -- we just have to recognize them.
Today, I am healed from all my brokenness. Watching Matthew West's video was not easy this morning. It brought back a lot of memories. It also made me realize that in Christ, there is #hope #healing and #encouragement. My ministry and blog is to let others know, you can overcome your past -- you do not have to let that be your legacy. Go forward from today and know, with Jesus, you are loved more than you know. You are worth a King's ransom, for He paid it. And you are, always, His child. Forgive yourself. Forgive your past. Be at peace.
"Broken Girl" by Matthew West
https://youtu.be/VOYyi_FL79w
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