On Strength

1990.  At the age of thirty, I was so crippled by severe anxiety attacks that I contemplated suicide. I didn't believe in therapy or drugs (my ex-husband's thoughts) but knew I needed them.   It is a period of time that I refer to as having had a "nervous breakdown".  The truth is, it was a bad marriage, coupled with my own father's suicide and probably a bit of post-partum depression thrown in.  After that period in my life, I never felt like I was "strong".  I was scared.  Overwork triggered anxiety attacks which perpetuated the cycle.  I didn't believe I could hold a job for any length of time.

Fast forward 23 years later.  I divorced my husband of 31 years.   I was forced into a situation that I didn't really want to be in but knew I had to move forward and away from a person that had become incredibly toxic and cruel.   I was scared but confronted my fears and faced what could have been crippling anxiety.  I waited for the ball to drop.  It never did.   Where did I find this strength?

You know, there are days that I look at my life in 2013 and today.  I am, personally, humbled and shocked.  I sold everything I could possibly sell, worked my tail off (well beyond my anxiety threshold) and by the grace of God, prayer of friends and sound advice, made it through the storm.

I have to be honest...my knee-jerk reaction was, I didn't want to know what I really had to face.  When I looked at a folder 4 inches thick filled with bills, I was sick.  But, I knew I had to face it.  I had to see what was there.  Believe me, there were bills and even more than I wanted to see.  I paid the bills that were in my name and let the rest go.  I took baby steps.

You see, my strength came not only from within, but also from outside myself.  On days when I crumbled or faltered, there were people there to pray for me and to help steady me.  These people are still in my life and I am forever grateful and humbled by their kindness.

I know many people who are divorced and who come out great.  They are set for life because of savvy attorneys and money in the bank.   I had neither.  I did, however, have a greater ally...God.   I know all the wrongs that were done to me but then again, so does He.  He told me forgive.  I did.  He told me to stay strong.  I did.  He told me to hold onto hope during times I felt completely overwhelmed and hopeless.  I did....I clung to His every word.

I knew He was there then and continues to be in my life.  He has asked me to minister to those who need help and I've said "yes".  I am using Facebook and this blog as my platform.  One day, it will be a book and perhaps, myself -- in person -- giving my testimony.  In the meantime, for those who are struggling, know this...

God is with you.  He is putting you through the fire to refine you into the most beautiful piece of gold that there is.  You can be filled with fear or you can face your fears.  Stare them down.  It is not easy but it is so very sweet when you can look back and say, "Wow, I can't believe..."

Believe it or not, there is someone who cares.  It's me.  I pray for you everyday.  And even though I don't know you, I stand with you and will continue to pray for you daily.  Be strong!  God is good!  Have faith! 

Most of all, when you are through that fire that consumes you, remember where you've been and help the next person.  Be a little bit bolder, more courageous, and give a hand up to those who need it.  When we do that, we can learn the real meaning of strength.