Today, I'm going to talk about the scars of emotional abuse. Men and women alike may suffer at the hands of someone who is controlling and manipulative. I lived with such a person for over 30 years. I pray this doesn't come off as spiteful and vindictive but rather, a cautionary tale for those who are in questionable relationships.
My experience began with being sexually assaulted by him and went downhill from there. Why did I stay with him? Fear. Shame. Degradation. No self-esteem. A dysfunctional family life. There are many reasons, some known others unknown, as to why someone would stay with someone after being physically harmed. All I know is that, at the time it happened, I had a choice to leave his apartment -- 10 miles from my apartment -- no cell phones back in those days -- or stay. I stayed. I remember shaking and being, probably in shock. He explained it away as he often did, saying that he was "high". It was true. He'd been drinking codeine all afternoon. Throughout our marriage, he denied the incident until he confirmed it via text about a year after our divorce. Of course, he manipulated our son into giving my phone to him, but that's another story for another day.
I write these things not to spite him but rather to point out -- if you have been abused in some way -- GET OUT! It does not get any better. Trust me on this.
Did I fear him? Perhaps -- but it came to a head when I wanted to leave him at the 10 year mark. At that point, he told me he would take our kids overseas to his home country and I would never see them again. His voice -- his face --I knew it was true. He later recanted and said he wouldn't have done that. However, let's look at what he's done post-divorce and see what you think?
1. Changed dates he pays alimony from 2X a month to 1X a month. That saves him 1 month of alimony.
2. Stopped paying for kids health insurance.
3. Stopped paying on student loans even though the court says he is to pay half, leaving me with all of them.
4. Denied not paying student loans, causing them to default and leaving me holding the bag.
5. Blocking me on his phone so I am unable to communicate with him about any of these matters.
6. Stopped paying spousal support.
It is, his way of continuing to control and manipulate me. However, what he has not banked on is the fact that he can no longer control me. He can no longer manipulate the situation. We are going to court. Not something I enjoy because it takes a lot of emotional energy and money. However, the divorce decree speaks for itself and each of these points has been addressed. Frankly, I have tried to be nice for the sake of our children (even though they are adults) but I am done.
Remember three years ago when I said I was done? I walked out then. And just like then, I am now ready to go back and fight again. It takes a lot of energy to deal with a person like this. They are self-centered and will stop at nothing just to spite you.
It doesn't get better. Look at the signs of emotional abuse. It leaves scars and it can take years to heal. I am telling you now, that emotional abuse is insidious because it doesn't leave physical marks but it is just as painful.
As for me, I closed my eyes to it all and just moved through life to avoid confronting him. I was miserable. In retrospect, I am glad I waited until my kids were grown to leave him. It was over 30 years. Although I remember the life I lived, I cannot conceive of it. I look at pictures of me and I am a different person. I was miserable and depressed all the time. My kids and work were the only things that kept me sane.
I am happy now. I am with someone who respects me and whose company I enjoy. He makes me laugh. However, even if I were alone, it would be preferable to my previous life.
If you feel like you don't have the strength, begin to develop a support system. It does not have to be a counselor, but a pastor, church family, trusted work colleague, a shelter for those who've suffered abuse. It is time to shine the light and get out from the darkness. It is never too late. Reach out to those who can help. I know fear, shame and uncertainty kept me in my marriage until it became unbearable. You are strong....you are courageous...and God is with you.
Here are some encouraging Bible verses on strength:
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Joshua 1: 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
Matthew 17:20 He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
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