I woke up the other morning and it was finally there...forgiveness. Whole and complete. I realized that the things that happened in my marriage were no longer an issue in my life. I felt good! How did I get to this place?
I have, in the past, found myself forgiving others and moving on. No, you can't always forgive the action but rather the person. God will take care of the rest -- at least, in my humble opinion. Yet, when it came to my marriage, things kept coming up. Anger over allowing myself to be manipulated, rage because of court orders that were ignored, my having to file bankruptcy, and the list goes on. At the end of the day, I was giving my ex the power -- the power to continue to hold me prisoner by my emotions. And so, I realized that I hadn't truly forgiven him; for the opposite of love is not hate but rather, indifference. No, I had not forgiven completely.
There were days when I questioned leaving him; despite all that had transpired in 30 years, there was still guilt and sadness over my decision. I missed being a family unit despite being in a wonderful relationship with an incredibly loving man.
And so, I did the only thing I knew how to do -- I turned it all over to God. I prayed God would help me forgive this man. Regardless of what he did (and continues to do to me), that I could forgive him completely. God allowed that healing to take place. He showed me pictures of myself from years past on Facebook. The sadness in my eyes that did not match the smile. The smirk on my ex's face. Neither of us was happy -- that was certainly clear. Although more than five years have passed, I look younger today -- even with gray hair. I have peace and happiness on my face. It shows. Despite what I've been through, I have moved forward. I am in a good place.
The family dynamics have certainly changed. My children may or may not accept the man I am with; that is certainly their decision. They are adults. At the end of the day, I think they will see my happiness and understand that it is something we all deserve. Despite a large age difference, we are on the same page when it comes to big matters.. Life is not perfect but I have someone to lean on when I need to navigate through rough waters; likewise for him. And of course, God is at the forefront of this relationship.
So, for those who are newly divorced or contemplating divorce, know that it does not come without a price; forgiveness. Forgiving not only your ex or soon-to-be, as well as yourself. It takes time to work through everything but at the end of the day, turn it over to God. With Him, there is #hope, #healing and #encouragement.
Some Bible verses to help you through those rocky times:
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for the LORD your God will be with you, wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
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