Last night, I went to a party with a group of former colleagues. Such a blessing to spend time with those I have loved and worked with side-by-side. Most of us are single and began comparing notes on our experiences with dating websites. Some have been incredibly fortunate and found the love of their life. Others, like myself, not so much. However, we began trading stories. I was amazed at what I heard. I mean, I'm 50-something, and have heard a lot in my lifetime. Yet, these stories really blew me away.
You know, being on the websites had made me feel like I was in college again. People really don't change much as they get older. They may move slower but I am finding out one thing-- everyone wants sex--the topic of last night's conversation.
Now, I went on the websites for a simple reason; I was hoping to find someone to have coffee with and go see a movie. A friend or maybe even, romance. I found a great friend but the trouble is, he lives in Ohio. I'm certain if we lived closer, he would be the coffee and movie guy I dreamed of. So, unable to see him on a regular basis, I did the next best thing and continued to look. The problem is, the longer I was on the websites, the more complicated life became.
As I dated, I was looking specifically for Christians to hang out with -- more in common, some spirituality and depth, and not looking for sex. WRONG! They all asked me -- even the Christians -- if I would have sex with them. On first dates, no less! Pray before the meal and as we're talking, the topic turns to sex. Interesting. Christians want sex. And I dare say, as much as anyone else -- if not, more. Now, I am not judging; rather, this is just an observation. It shows how far we all fall on a daily basis. Even though we know what God wants for us, we are willing to be disobedient; and quite easily, too. It is eye-opening, disappointing and has rocked my world. I expected this from men but women too? What I gleaned from last night's conversation is that men are harassed just as much as women! Now that was eye-opening. For, I didn't realize that women were willing to put themselves out there so easily.
I can certainly understand from the perspective of a young woman --her naïveté puts her at a disadvantage but the people having this conversation were in their 50's and 60's. No naïveté there...we have lived! We have, I'm certain, all experienced the pitfalls of having sex on a first date. So, why do men and women continue to put themselves in such a compromising position? Why are they so willing to sell themselves short? Is that time when one has sex so wonderful that you are willing to give up all that you stand for in order to satisfy a primal urge?
I have been told over and over again by my friends that I am too honest with the men I date. I'm told over and over again, don't tell them so much! I don't know...they're probably right but I think honesty is a good thing. Am I alone in this? I personally would rather have someone who is brutally honest with me than someone who misrepresents themselves. Before we go out, tell me that sex is what is on your mind because if that's what it's about then I can set you straight right then and there...you're not getting laid on a first date! Oh wait! I have done that! And they've said "okay", kept the date and still asked! So where is the disconnect?
I often direct men to my blog. Not to get more readers but to really let them have a sense of who I am. I am not the average nor am I willing to settle for the average. I am willing to wait for a commitment to have sex -- and yes, the temptation is there. I'm 54 years old and there are days when I want to feel younger and better than I already do. And sex will definitely do that. You are desired and wanted. But it will also drag you down when the guy doesn't call again. It will make you have self-doubt and self-loathing. Likewise, not having sex can do the same thing--especially, if you are not very together in your head. Because, when the guy drives off into the sunset because you chose to wait, you are -- at the end of the day--alone. So, is it worth it to wait? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But the truth is, when you are "not in the moment", waiting is always better. Once sex enters, at least in my experience, relationships stagnate. They start to become all about the sex.
Now, not that I am on websites anymore but I have put it out there. First date? So not interested. I have written it, said it, done everything but take out a billboard -- over and over again and yet, men that I have dated, don't see it. They don't want to see it. What they do want is their 30 minutes (and I'm being generous here). They don't want the forever. Oh, they write it on their profile and it looks good on paper. But here's the thing; and I want all of you to listen closely-- a relationship is like investing.
If you are in for the short-term, then you may get lucky and get rich quick. But money comes and goes. If you are in for the long-term, then you will become much richer in the long haul. Your investment will grow. In other words, if you are too short-sighted to see the long-term, that's fine. But one day (probably sooner than later), sex is not going to be that priority. Rather love, commitment and someone who, despite your inability to have sex, is going to wake up next to you and wipe your butt when you are too sick or old to do it yourself. Or when you are 50 pounds overweight and your love still tells you how beautiful or handsome you are. They will flirt with you and give you amazing kisses and massages. There IS more to life than the "act" itself. You have to want it, though. You have to move beyond the here and now; difficult but not impossible.
So for all of you who do continue to go to dating websites -- men and women-- I would just encourage those that are looking for a "quick" fix to slow down a bit. Think about the long-term. Life is short. It goes fast -- too fast. Remember when you were 30? It seems like it was a couple of years ago! Your 70's and 80's will be here before you know it. Do you want to be alone? Do you want to be with someone who is 20 years your junior and then decides, I'm so out of here because you are unable to perform sexually? Because if sex is what you're looking for -- that's what you're going to get. But if you're looking for forever, then seek out those people who are "real"; that say what they mean. Look for those people -- because when you find one, you will be rich indeed.
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