Yesterday as I was driving up to my home, I noticed the trash cans were out. It was Friday and they are out every Friday when I get home from work. In that insane instant, I felt it...love. Not fleeting romance or passion but straight on love. Why, you might ask, would something like seeing the garbage on the curb make me feel love? Because at that instant, I recognized the stability in my life. You see, love is not purely about the romance or sex but it is deeper. I am finally beginning to "get it".
I also felt it last week. My daughter came by to see if she could borrow some money for gas. She is going through some tough times. All I had was $10.00. I asked her how she was doing for food and she said all she had was rice and veggies. I told her to grab a grocery bag from my trunk and she could have some of our food. I told my fiance and in that moment, he immediately pulled out his wallet and said, "Here's $100." I was stunned! First, this is not his child -- step or otherwise. Yet, he said he knew she is working hard and trying to make ends meet. In that instant, I fell crazy, madly in love. Not because of the money but because of the act of generosity He is someone who would give the shirt off his back to someone who needed it.
This week, he went to the doctor and found out he has become an insulin dependent diabetic. I immediately took action. I did the grocery shopping and vowed if he brought a bag of candy in the house, as he is accustomed to doing, I would throw it away. I have been making low fat meals and snacks for both of us. You see, I want to spend the next 20 or 30 years with this guy and keep up with him!
A year ago, I said "yes" to a man who proposed. Lord knows, I was not ready for it. But I said, "yes". We have certainly had our share of "ups and downs"...all part of the learning curve of being in a "real" relationship. I'm learning to let the voices of folks who've said to me, "Are you sure you're not settling?" -- die down. I've come to the conclusion that there is no one perfect out there; just someone perfect for me. Someone who loves me unconditionally. Someone who texts me daily to tell me he loves me or how gorgeous I am. Someone who will cuddle me when I'm sick or overwhelmed. Someone who will occasionally channel my mother's words, sending me reassurance that she is smiling down from heaven on this relationship. I think my father would have approved, too. This is the man I wish I'd met thirty years ago. But then again, we were both different people. I only know, he's here now -- and I want to spend my later years with him.
I have a lot of catching up to do. I have a lot of living left to do. Statistics show that around 70% of second marriages fail. I don't doubt it. You come to the table with two sets of baggage; and then you have to sort your way through it. Some days, I find myself wanting to run away...but to what? More instability? Looking for something that probably doesn't exist? The truth is, I have had so much drama in my life that I don't even know what "normal" looks like; I am beginning to understand what that looks and feels like. I don't know what the future holds but I have lived long enough to know that there are no guarantees in this life.
This has been a long time coming; trusting someone enough to share my life with them. I am happy. Life is settled. Being held close feels nice. Looking at the trash cans as I round the corner fills my heart with joy. Passion is great but so are the simple things; watching a movie, playing tennis, snuggling into the wee hours of the night, waking up to someone holding your hand in the middle of the night. That's nice. That's real. That's love.
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