Happy Anniversary

"May the God who gives you hope fill you with great joy.  May you have perfect peace as you trust in him.  May the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope."  Acts 15:13


Tomorrow is a day that will live in infamy in my mind.  It is the date of my would-be 32nd anniversary.  It is also the 25th anniversary of my father's death.  Yes, I have a double-whammy to get through.

Today, I pretty much felt like I was walking through sludge. I haven't felt like that in months and yet, there it was again.   Although never once regretting my divorce, there are times when life just seems overwhelming.  Facing tomorrow is one of those times.

My father passed away from suicide.  It is a hard fact to write.  I never had any closure or answers as to why he chose my anniversary for something so devastating.  I never had answers as to why he felt he needed to commit such an act.  I always had to wonder --did he know we loved him?  How could he leave two young grandchildren who would never remember him?  I talked with him the night he did it.  That conversation haunted me for years.  It took much therapy to work through and yet, I never got answers to any of it.  That is the staggering bottom line and greatest tragedy of his death.  You always find yourself wondering what prompted such an act to occur? 

Yet, when going through my own divorce, I frequently thought how easy it would be to take my own life.  From a rational viewpoint, I knew that eventually my depression would lessen and hopefully, pass.  Whatever circumstance I was facing was temporary; however, I had to find hope.  I also thought of my own children, and how I felt during that time after my father's death.   It truly was the thought of my children that kept me going.

Knowing I was at risk, as survivors of suicide are, I sought professional therapy.   I took medication.  I talked with my pastor.  Eventually, my feelings of despair left.  They were replaced with a sense of renewed hope; of happiness that I never knew existed.  Although not perfect, my life is good.   I know I have much life to live.   I will never allow myself to get back to a place of such darkness again.

I know tomorrow will be tough.  It is a day of loss.  It is the loss of a dream that died last March-- of a marriage that became a statistic.  It is also the anniversary of the loss of my father.  However, it is through these losses that I gained much.

 -- I gained a sense of strength that I never knew I had
 -- My faith grew exponentially in ways I could never imagine
 -- I found a peace that surpasses all understanding
 -- I found sustained happiness
 -- I found my purpose in life and am living it out
 -- I have a newfound sense of adventure; and each day is a new one
 -- I have learned that God sends us angels in the form of family and friends
 -- I have found the love of my life in God

Losses?  From a human standpoint, yes.  From God's viewpoint, my father is at peace and so am I.  Will tomorrow be tough?   Yes.  Will I get through it and survive?  Absolutely!  I know that with God all things are possible.  And tomorrow is not only possible, it offers new possibilities.

"But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26