Retirement

How many times have I seen this on a Facebook post and thought, I wish that were me?
I never thought it would happen, but here it is—my opportunity to retire. This past year was not kind to me. I changed jobs to make more money, but instead, I fell on school property and was sidelined for the rest of the year.

Initially, when I was off work, I was bored, agitated, and quite frankly, not a happy camper.  I am not one to sit around; however, I was sidelined due to a knee injury and had no choice.  But then, I got to thinking...perhaps this was God's plan for me.  Leaving me alone for some reason.  I kept seeing posts on Facebook and Instagram.  Let go...don't look back...I've got something better for you.  And so I did.  I let go of everything.  I didn't look back.  And I waited, ever so patiently.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I clung to this Bible verse as finances became thing.  But by the same token, I began to relax into this easier lifestyle.  No getting up and rushing around.  No rush hour traffic.  No meetings.   I started to embrace this new lifestyle, as I awaited knee surgery.

And an interesting thing happened.  Kismet? Fate? Luck? As I was selling items to help subsidize my lost income, I ran into a woman who told me about a new retirement community.  The rent was VERY affordable, and it was brand new.  I went out to speak to the manager of this apartment community.  As it happened, this community was owned by the same management company of the apartments where I live now, which means, I just pay a transfer fee to move.  I have 16 steps in my unit, and frankly, with the upcoming knee surgery, I need a one-floor unit.  Furthermore, in April or May, they were opening a new building near where I currently live; an area I love.  It was a win-win.

However, I wasn't quite sure I was ready to take the steps necessary to move, retire, get on Medicare, and the seemingly endless list of chores necessary to do it.  The status quo is often so much easier.  In fact, I lost my job due to my having to take a leave of absence, but technically, I am still an employee at my school district.  And I make good money.  So, the question becomes, do I want to close the door to what I have known for what seems like forever, and begin a new life?  Go for the unknown, rather than the comfortable?

The truth is, I do.  I have spent the last few days gathering paperwork, talking with insurance agents, and getting my life to a place where I can do this.  I have to be honest.  The thought of not rushing in the morning sounds amazing.  Using my day to exercise (after my knee is fixed) and writing -- even better.  It is scary, especially with this tight economy, but I know God has not let me down yet, even in the most unnerving of circumstances, which is going without any income for three months.  And just for the record, I am not well-to-do, by any stretch.  But I was able to use my God-given strength to make it through this "dry spell."

John 15:2 says, "Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes that it may bear more fruit."

I am in that season of being pruned -- of this, I am positive.  It has not been easy, but God has been preparing me for something...I'm not sure what, but I'm certain if there is a need, it will be made known.  Maybe he's just allowing me a season of rest after working so hard for the past 11 years.  

And so, as I have said many times, change is good; at least, IMHO.  It allows you to get out of your comfort zone and do something that fills you instead of drains you.  It can give you a peace that surpasses all understanding.  And frankly, while I may not be monetarily rich in retirement, I will be filled with a wealth that cannot be measured.  And I am here for it...all of it.

Growing Old with Grace

 

"85% of people who go on a diet without behavioral support gain the weight back within 2 years."  Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen from his book, Dr. A's Habits of Health (2008).

I cringe at this photo

 

Have you ever thought about who you are...what your purpose is in this world?  I think as we get older, we all do.  Yesterday began my 64th trip around the sun.  I found myself thinking...or overthinking, as the case may be.  I found myself feeling a sense of peace.  While my parents used to dread another birthday, I am embracing getting older; especially, since we are never guaranteed a day on this planet.  

I have been a teacher for the last 15 years for special needs children.  And while, I do believe that is part of my purpose, I am finding another one...to help others become healthy.  In 2022, I found myself in the position of getting a 2nd divorce.  I did not want it but financially, I had to do it.  While it mitigated a lot of damage, it didn't mitigate it all.  I'm okay with that.  I got out as quickly as I could once I saw the handwriting on the wall.  But here's the thing; something inside of me knew I had to make a change; a change in my health.  I was now alone, and no one was going to rescue me.  

On Thanksgiving of 2022, I decided that I would lose the weight I had longed to lose for so long.  I have struggled with my weight for over 20 years.  I could no longer refer to this as "baby weight" since my baby was 26 years old!  And so, I read up on plans.  There are so many out there, it is confusing.  I did see someone on a television news show, and her plan was touted a phenomenal.  She was also in the healthcare profession.  I spoke to her and paid close to $700.  I promised myself I would do it.  Then she sent me the program.  While I stuck with it for 2 weeks, it was a bariatric diet without the benefit of the surgery.  It truly was not sustainable for me.  While I had paid a large sum of money, I chalked it up to one more failed program.  But I wasn't ready to quit.  

I went to a friend's Christmas party where several women had lost a lot of weight.  They were on a program that I had used with success in the past.  However, my former husband always managed to sabotage my weight loss efforts, and this was no different.  This time, I was on my own.  I was calling the shots.  And I signed on with a weight loss coach and purchased the fuelings.

While not cheap, I determined that losing the weight was worth budgeting my money differently.  I did not need a manicure and pedicure every two weeks.  I did not have to go out to dinner weekly.  And I certainly didn't need to buy anymore plus-sized clothing.  No, I was ready for this change.

I will be honest; the first two weeks were hard.  It was the holiday season and yes, I did indulge in a cocktail here or there.  But when I "confessed" to my weight loss coach, she asked me quite bluntly, "Do you really want to lose the weight?"  Yes!  Of course I did.  But I did hesitate for a second.  Losing weight meant, at least temporarily, giving up cocktails.  Could I do that?  Yes!  It meant meal prepping...could I do that?  Well, I didn't know about for a whole week, but I could definitely cook enough for 2 or 3 days and then cook again.  I can eat salads and veggies.  Could I eat their fuelings every 2 1/2 hours?  Yes, I could do this.  

And so, I did.  Not perfectly but I did it.  If I stumbled, I picked myself right up and did it again.  The thing is, with this program, if you stumble, it is that much harder to get back up.  Realizing that, I spent several months without eating anything off program.  And it paid off!  I lost 65 pounds in a year!  While not at my goal (I have another 30-40 pounds until I am finished), I know it is attainable.  

While in the past, I always wanted the weight off quickly, I never thought about that during this program.  You do lose roughly 10 pounds a month but more importantly, taking a year to lose weight really did change my eating habits.  Whereas, in the past I didn't know where to start, I now had a beginning.  And I have an end in sight. for the weight loss but, not my health journey. 

I have also discovered that I want to help people reach their health goals.  This journey is not about looking better, though I suppose you could say that is a side-effect.  This is about living your life the best way that you can.  I have 16 steps in my house, and I don't know how I even walked them with the 65 extra pounds.  I do know, I limited going up and down to once per day, going to work and home.  And if I needed to go to the grocery store, I bought my food on the way home from work.  Now, I go up and down those stairs several times a day without a thought.  And my knees do not feel like they are bone on bone.  That discomfort and fear of knee replacements is gone.  

While many people are content with their weight, there are some that are not.  You are the ones that I am addressing today.  What you don't change, you choose.

Scamming: Buyer Beware

 scam

(skăm)

N.

A fraudulent business scheme; a swindle.

TR.V.

scammed, scam·ming, scams

To defraud; swindle.

A few months ago my husband and I parted ways.  He had somehow gotten himself involved with Instagram scammers and I, for one, did not want to be a part of that.  Fast forward 8 months...he is sitting in a Motel 6 in the middle of Bumf*ck, California waiting for the call from his girlfriend/fiance so he can move in with her.  Previously, we lived in a nice home, we both had great jobs and a happy married life.  We sold our nice home, he quit his job and is living only on social security, which would not house and feed a goldfish, and he lost his marriage.  For what?  For a dream?  He HAD the dream...home, job, love.  What evs...

Well, I had the pleasure of likewise meeting a scammer.  And so, ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to educate you on red flags.  Your scammer may or may not have photos that looked posed for...like modeling shots.  BIG red flag.  They will inundate you with love and warmth.  Their shower of affection is almost too good to be true.  You would be correct.  It IS too good to be true.  Now, I will tell you, the scammer I had used normal photos except for one.  Okay, I rationalized.  Maybe he took the picture for his business.  Additionally, they are almost always widowed.  If you don't believe me, ask Dr. Phil.  Well, you say to yourself, they could actually be a widower.  We talked for a week and then I inquired about talking on the phone.  He seemed amenable to it but said he had a cold and wanted to wait until he felt better.  Fair, I thought.  However, a friend of mine said, have you seen him?  Great question.  Last night, we talked.  There were major phone glitches prompting me to call him back.  I got an irate man who said someone had called him like 12 times asking for this person.  12 times?  Not me.  Now, I had some serious questions.  I did a reverse phone lookup.  Landline.  When he called back, he said his phone was on call forward.  Generally, you forward to someone you know.  Not someone who asks, why are you calling me?  Additionally, it sounded like he was in no man's land.  Gurgling and all kinds of background noise.  It was not a call placed, IMHO from the United States.  Furthermore, when I sent him a link for a video call, he said he doesn't click on links because he was sent a bad one once.  Hmmmm....he wanted to talk.  He had a British accent...funny, he didn't mention he was from the UK.  Or had lived in Australia.  Maybe he was calling from Australia??  In any case, I told him unless we did the video call, that was the end of the road.  He said he was insulted.  That's fine, buddy...because I don't like people who lie or pretend to be someone they're not.  You see how quickly this turned?  He wanted to talk with me...not be on a video call.  Why?  Because he was the man behind the curtain, not the man who called himself Sam and was a good Christian.  And let me tell you, he had everything down pat...to the Bible verses he liked.

I hope this will show everyone how easy it is to be scammed.  If someone asks you about money, retirement, investments, etc. cut them loose.  It is none of their business, no matter how much you may like them or how good their picture is.  Do not give personal information such as address, work, or anything that could help them steal your identity.  

Since the drama with my husband, I am on high alert.  I don't need a friend/boyfriend so badly that I am willing to take a chance.  It is so not worth it.  I have heard of wealthy people losing hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Scammers are good at what they do.  So please, think twice about an online relationship...dating websites are a buyer beware.

Gray and White

 

Gray and white...for some reason, I am drawn to these colors of late.  Right now, I have dark gray sheets on my bed and a white comforter.  I just bought some artwork with a sepia background and black flowers.  Often times, people think in terms of black and white but sometimes, they are actually gray and white.

Right now, I am in the middle of a divorce.  It came completely out of the blue and not something I envisioned for my later years.  Yet, here it is.  In the hopes of saving my marriage, I offered several compromises that not even I was wholly comfortable with...and yet, this situation has not been black and white.

What do you do when your husband begins indulging in online affairs?  Gives money to strangers.  Or becomes a money mule?  How do you handle that.  Black and white, right?  What if this complete reversal of personality happened overnight...What if instead of willfulness, it is the product of brain trauma from a stroke or a seizure?  Is it suddenly so black and white?  Now, we're in a gray and white situation.  But you're caught in the middle.  Your bank account is being drained, his credit card has reached a balance of over 47K, and it's because he is giving away personal information like his credit card number and/or bank account number.  Suddenly, you're in a black and white situation again.

That's where I am...black and white...gray and white...does it matter anymore?  The only one constant in my life this past year has been my faith.  Although I am still in shock as to how our marriage got to this state, it is here.  My reality has been to save me.  Save my finances, my credit score, my mental and physical health.   Does that sound selfish?  We got married in sickness and in health.  But, when your other half refuses to be seen by a doctor, I think that vow becomes a moot point.   Let no man put asunder also became a moot point the day your spouse tells you in no uncertain terms and quite explicitly, what he wanted a 32-year-old Instagram model to do to him.  

Here's the thing...he is in a world of gray and white.  Although this woman exists, he is talking with scammers.  They have, under the guise of being her, told him that she would take care of him.  It's not true and he's about to find out very soon that what I have said all along is true.   Do I gain some sort of twisted, "I told you so?"  Not at all.  He will find out soon enough that quitting his job, losing his home, his wife and his money was not worth it.  

Black and white.  He will no longer be in his world of, well it's okay to talk dirty with a stranger or put their picture on his phone as a screen saver.  It's harmless, right?  So what if they take old peoples' money "to invest"...I'm just turning it into bitcoin for them.  A slippery slope.  Gray and white becomes black and white.

God says we will know the end times.  Isaiah 5:20 says, "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness..."

Some may think I am writing this post to call out my husband.  Not so.  He will not read this.  What I am doing is writing for those who think that the world is shades of gray.  As Christians, we are going down that slippery slope.  If you are walking that line, I hear God calling for us as Christians to reign it in.  Don't do whatever you want and then go to church on Sunday saying, "Well God forgives me."  God wants you to repent (turn away) from your sin.  YOU are the example.  YOU are to walk in Christ's footsteps.  Is it hard?  Yes.  Is it impossible?  No.  Matthew 19:26 says, "But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

He's here.  He's watching.  He's listening.  Are you?  

If you are going through difficult times, you can rest assured God is with you.  He goes before you.  He has a plan for your life.  Trust Him.  Cry out to Him.  He is holding you.  Of that you can be assured.

Kari Jobe -- I am not alone

https://youtu.be/Ow4OfW4DP9s

Back to the Beginning

 

2022.  It's not been an amazing year.  In fact, it has kind of stunk.  I retired from teaching in January due to health issues.  Fortunately, I got my mojo back, so in March, I began applying for teaching positions again.  And I got one!  So, why has my year stunk?  The truth of it is that I am getting a divorce.  #2 or as I used to refer to people who had two divorces under their belt, a two-time loser.  

My mom used to say that after people get married, they change.  Well, she was correct about this one! Boy, did my spouse ever change (and not for the better!)  Without getting into the details, suffice it to say that there is nothing fixable about this.  He has become a person I no longer recognize nor care to have a relationship with.  Kudos to me that this time around, I recognized I needed to get out.  That I am in therapy and taking medication to keep my emotions at bay.  But it is sad.  And it hurts.

Two years ago, we bought our dream house.  Nothing fancy -- 2 bedroom in a 50+ neighborhood with lots of activities and a restaurant, where we had our weekly date night.  Date night.  Now, you'd think with something like that in play, one could never go wrong.  Think again.  We also held hands every night as we slept.  Again, how could we go astray?  Well, sometimes you are powerless to stop another from making poor life decisions.  And frankly, my husband believes he is living his best life, so who am I to stop him?  It is a very shallow existence and one that I believe, will come back to bite him in the ass.  

And so, I moved out last week.  To a nice apartment with plenty of space for my kitty to roam while I go to work.  An apartment with rent that's higher than my house payment.  But I digress (altho' that too is a thorn in my side).  The good news is, I have a great job and get to continue collecting my retirement and social security.  This is a completely different financial circumstance than the one I found myself in, in 2013.  I have worked my ass off the last 9 years, and it shows.  I have gotten a second master's degree (this time in Educational Administration) and with no husband to go home to, I am going for it... administration, that is.  Late nights?  Bring 'em on!

Which brings me to getting busy....my last divorce, I spent so much time being "busy" with school, church and second and third jobs, that I don't think I had time for anything except work and sleep.  I never really processed my emotions.  This time, I have the luxury of time to myself.  I haven't had that for many, many years.  Imagine, being able to buy smooth peanut butter instead of chunky (which I never liked).  Or sitting and watching HGTV all day with my cat.  Sounds blissful, right?  

The hardest part is being alone and being ok with it.  I suffer from social anxiety and so it is hard for me to make myself get out of the house.  I can do it for work, but it is hard for anything else.  So, this is something I will be working on.  

I do know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  This is not a saying but a promise.  Yes, we can always stand on the promises of God.  As I have always said, He is there.  Carrying us in times of difficulty.  I think because my faith is strong, I have shed few tears this go-around.  I am also older...wiser...more pragmatic.  

So for those of you who are struggling, remember this.  God loves you. 

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."

Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)

Also, Christian music cheers me up, so here you go...

https://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA

What We Did Before the Days of Insta-famous

 I'm glad my kids are grown, because if they weren't, I would have to take the time to tell them how we survived without social media...really, much media of any kind.  We had television...with 4 channels.  Period.  No remote controls...we got our asses out of the chairs to change the channels.  Radio stations were A.M. Phones were attached to the wall and your finger had to spin with the dial to make a call.  Only in the 70's, did push-button phones become "en vogue".   They did, in fact, make it so much easier to win prizes from the local radio station (by now F.M.) when they asked for the 35th caller to get a prize!  But, I digress.

Let me tell you about how it was...back  in the day.  When someone says "back in the day" be prepared...they mean waaaaaaaay back in the day.

So, let's go back to a time that was simpler.  We rode our bikes everywhere.  That took us as far as the local five and dime.  It was there we could buy anything from make-up to clothes to a hamster.  Yes, Grant's was a full-service five and dime.  And we bought lip gloss...without any advice from a social influencer.  SAY WHAAAAAT????  Yes, pre-dawn, we bought 5 lip glosses in little plastic containers for $1.00.  Quite a deal, even for those days.  The same held true for our frosty eyeshadow palette; pastel green, blue, purple, white and brown.  For the price of $2.00, we were set for our 8th grade year.  We could get our pastries from the local bakery on that trip, and if we were careful, we could walk our bikes across the street to McDonalds for lunch.

There was no Sephora or Ulta.  No, we were left to our own devices.  Our mothers wore Max Factor and Maybelline.  Yes, my mother, who was married to a doctor, wore what she could get at the local drugstore.**  It wasn't until she was in her 50's that her make-up became Estee Lauder, and only (I might add) because they had great Christmas gift sets. You could get everything for quite literally $35.00 and the price of a 3 pack of Estee Lauder Youth Dew soap (which smelled divine).  She washed her face and body with the same soap -- Dove.  And that never, EVER changed.   And her choice was later confirmed by her dermatologist who said that it was a great moisturizing soap.* 

We didn't have bottled water or fancy water bottles in which to tote our water. No, we drank it out of the tap; in either a metal or plastic glass.  And to my mother's dying day, she said that a glass of ice water (from the tap) was the most delicious thing ever! (By that time, we had graduated to real glassware).

Our moms bought our clothes from Robert Hall for school.  If we were tres chic, we went to Glik's or J.C. Penney.  That really came as we got older, say 6th or 7th grade, when looking good mattered.  Then, one day, something magical happened...We were able to ride the bus to downtown.  What a treat that was!  We got to shop at little boutiques such as Horse Feathers, which had the trendiest clothes ever.  There was also your local head shop for all your black light poster needs (and I suspect other needs; however, I never asked).  And of course, Schoeffler's pharmacy where we bought lunch and walked back to Kresge's -- a much larger five and dime, with more goodies than you had money to spend or catch the bus, and go home.   If you got to spend your  Saturday riding the bus downtown and shopping with your pals, life was good!

So, as social media drives advertising today, it didn't always.  We could have never imagined what exists today; internet, social media, influencers?  As I watch people sell things online, I am intrigued and drained all at the same time.  It is not particularly fun to look at...On the other hand, a social media presence is what people strive for today.  If you have followers, you are making bank.  So, where do we draw the line?

For me, I got off of social media for a month in order to determine what I wanted...not what others thought I should want.  I found out some valuable things.

1.  I am exactly where I should be...working with special needs children.

2.  I needed to finish my master's degree in educational administration.  God called me to it, yet in a brief lapse of listening to others, I stopped going to school.  I re-enrolled this spring, the first of my last 4 classes and a practicum.

3.  I learned more about trauma and its insidious effects than I probably wanted to.  I spent time reading and learning how this thing controls your brain through ptsd, anxiety, etc.  And it can be helped(!) through yoga and meditation.  I am enrolled this summer in a course for educators to help heal trauma through these means.  I will be a certified yoga instructor and a facilitator for social-emotional learning.  And anyone who thinks we haven't all suffered some sort of trauma as the result of the pandemic is fooling themselves.  The fallout will come...give it time.  

4.  I also learned I lived the greater part of my life with a sociopathic narcissist, and I am lucky to be alive.

So, if you think social media is all that. and having a huge following is the be-all-end-all, please reconsider.  Our life should not be filled with buying things and looking for the next best business.  Take some time and explore your inner self...or not.  The choice is yours.

*I still use Dove soap

**I do not buy drugstore make-up...too many hands have been in them!

So How's YOUR 2020 Going?

I'm not going to lie.  2020 has been a bitch!  Oh, you can say what you want but as a person in the if you get COVID, you're F*CKED category, it has been a stressful year, to say the least.

Yet, it has probably been one of the most amazing years of my life.  I have had the opportunity to work from home, which let me say, has given me a renewed love of my profession, which is teaching.  I am working with middle school students and have literally gone back to my roots which is a self-contained classroom for students with severe learning disabilities.  It has been a challenge with online classes.  Our first two weeks back to work, we were basically put through a boot camp in software programming.  For someone who is 60 years old and with little or no interest in technology, that was asking a lot.  Not to mention, the training did not come together until the week-end before school started.  But thank goodness, it finally did.

I looked closely at my possibilities for retirement and decided that I am taking retirement in 5 years.  As a 15 year teacher (instead of 30 year), that means I get half of my last three years income.  Not a lot.  So, I have been shopping around for a secondary gig that will not only get me out of debt but will allow me to work long-term.  I decided it needed to be in the financial services industry.  Lo and behold, I found a company I love with a group of trainers that are the BEST!  As God says, ask and you shall receive.  I believe this is a gift and enjoy every.single.day even though it is a second job.  I know that if I can get through the next five years, my life will be amazing!  Like any business, it takes time and patience.  I have all that (short of dying) and so, I feel incredibly blessed.

In July, my husband was completely tired of not being able to swim and so, I decided (without his blessing) to find us a townhome with a community swimming pool.   What I managed to find was just so much more!  We were able to find a single-family home with a pool of its own.  Let me just say at this point, I am so humbled and blessed.  First, because I never, ever thought I would be able to own a home again with my financial history.  Secondly, because I believe this is nothing more than a blessing from God.  And thirdly (is that a word?), when the time came to look at this home, my husband was completely on board and ready to make our final move.  It was no small effort to pack up and  move, and a true labor of love on his part.   

Lastly, I have been holed up with the love of my life.  I can't even tell you how much joy it has been to spend the last six months with him.  COVID has made us both acutely aware that life can be snuffed out in a heartbeat.  And so, we have learned to relax and slow down, to enjoy and just take time to do simple things such as watching a movie together, cooking a meal, or sitting on our La-Z-Boy couches and reading.

Although I dearly miss my children and grandchildren who live out of state (a ZOOM call is not the same as a hug), I know we will get together as soon as this pandemic is over, and/or when grandma gets her vaccine.  Hopefully, it will be sooner, rather than later.  

As 2020 draws to a close, I see it as a year that has given me vision beyond the ordinary.  It has made me realize even more how short life is, and to appreciate every.single.moment.  Hindsight truly is 20:20.  It just also happens to be the times we are living in.

2020: Change your mind, change your reality

So how's 2020 going for you so far?  A little crazy?  Welcome to reality.  This folks, is how it is going to look (and stay) for awhile.  As schools scramble to figure out how to re-open, teachers are faced with trepidation.  I know I am personally scared and understand that should I catch COVID-19, it is probably the end of me.  I am 60 years old and have underlying conditions.  My husband, also a teacher, is 72 years old with underlying conditions.  Again, the same fate would await him.  And yet, we are going with whatever the state and district decides.  Why?  Because our nation's children did nothing with online learning last spring.   Parents struggled as we churned out assignments, only to not have them be turned in.  Calls home did nothing.  They went unanswered.  Even those who were close to graduating did not attend online school.  Yes, our children need teachers, because parents are unable or unwilling to help their children.  But comes the next caveat...we hope that our government will do the right thing and not open prematurely. However, when watching some governors say that the economy is more important than peoples' lives, it definitely gives me pause.

I'd like to think that our governor has our best interests at heart...and I think he is doing his best.  We are closing bars but leaving casinos open.  People want to go back to work...I get that.  We need the economy working.  I also get that.  But in a day and age when people are arguing whether to mask or not, are we ready to open?  I guess people still haven't figure out this is real.  Despite the fact that we have 3.37 million cases in the U.S., folks still want to believe this is a conspiracy.  Despite doctors saying that our ICU units are filled to capacity, people still decry it's a hoax to unseat Trump.  We don't have to do that...he is managing to do it all by himself.

As of today, I stay home.  I rarely go to the store.  I have been to Target twice in 2020.  That's it.  When restaurants first reopened, my husband and I went out.  I think we've gone 5 times total since March.  We used to dine out that much every month, pre-COVID-19.  I am not complaining.  I wish more people would stay home.  I think we could get a handle on this faster and with longer-lasting results.

What I have learned in 2020 is this...people are inherently selfish.  They do not care about others as much as I had hoped.  We are used to instantaneous fixes.  This particular problem does not, at the time, have a solution other than patience (which we do not have) and self-isolating (which we are unwilling to do).  When offered social-distancing and wearing a mask, people were not happy with that.  Full on confrontations began in stores with people spitting and coughing on each other.  Is this really the way we act in a civilized society.  Say all you want about 2nd and 3rd world countries but they at least have a handle on this while the U.S. does not.

So how about this?  Why not think of others first?  YES, PUT OTHERS FIRST!  Wear the damn mask.  Stand 6 feet apart.  A person with a compromised immune system does not always appear to be compromised.  And if they send someone to the store for them, they can catch it from them.  So, I beg you to think of others.

Next, listen to the MEDICAL EXPERTS.  That would NOT include your Facebook and social media cronies.  I personally, don't like to listen to the news, but I am willing to follow CDC guidelines and listen to Dr. Fauci, a premiere physician who has served under six U.S. Presidents.  I tend to believe that he might know just a little more than people on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or even, my friends.  So, follow the advice of the experts and not what YOU think.  And by the way, the President and Vice-President are not medical experts.  So please, do not be lulled into thinking they are.  They are public servants.  Period.

Last, if you are one of those conspiracy theorists, a person who doesn't give a damn about others, or refuses to listen to experts, then you need to become informed.  If you can open your mind to the possibility that this is real, that people really are dying (young and old) and that maybe, just maybe, following the advice given by renowned doctors and scientists, maybe...just maybe....we can contain this thing.  Right now, we are the pariah of the world.  And we should be.  A country as great as the United States -- with the best medical facilities-- cannot get a handle on this.  Think about it. 

For now, I believe the answer is within us:  change your mind, change your reality.  Change the landscape of our nation.  It's really kind of that simple. 

The Apocalypse

I think my daughter put it most astutely when she said, "The Walking Dead never said anything about no toilet paper...I am not equipped for this!"  THIS being COVID-19.  Yes, I said it.  A virus that has forced all of us to learn a new normal including something called social distancing.  I don't know about you but from darkness comes light.  I am here to share some of that with you.

In Isaiah 43:1, God says, "Don't fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine."   

I don't know about you but when God says I am His, I am going to sit up and listen.  Why would God create the world and then destroy it?  Yes, John had an apocalyptic dream in Revelation but no one... no one knows what that means.  Nor should we guess.  To do so, only instills panic and fear. 

Which brings me to another point...panic and panic buying.  We need to trust God.  He will provide.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a]    Matthew 6: 25-27

It's true.  Does God not care for us more than the animals of this planet?  God supplies them with all they need.  Trust He will provide for you.  He knows what you need, even before you need it.

So what do we need to do when we are anxious?  We can find that answer in 1 Peter 5:7 

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Is this the Apocalypse?  I don't know -- do you?  But I do know with certainty, God is there for us.  He will provide for us.  He brings light to the darkness, even if it is just through people like me who take to the computer.  I personally think that maybe God has hit a reset button.  We  as people have been going along doing our own thing for far too long.  I think COVID-19 is His way of saying, "Take care of each other.  Be kind.  Do the right thing.  I am not in a building, I am everywhere.  Enjoy your families.  Slow down.  I've got this."

To those who are fearful, take comfort in these verses:

Proverbs 18:10 "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe."

Nehemiah 8:10  "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." 

Isaiah 41:10    "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God."

I pray this blog brings peace and encouragement to many.  I leave you with this verse:

John 14:27   Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Scripture Lullaby on YouTube:

"I am Here"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zwq0q_prp9c

Gratitude

A lot of you might be wondering, "What in the world are you grateful for?"  There are so many things going on with COVID-19, people hoarding supplies and food, the stock markets going crazy...what exactly is there to be grateful for?

Well, after much thought, I came up with a gratitude list.  Here you go...you can thank me later...

First, I am grateful for the time to slow down.  In this hurry up, hustle and hold-three-jobs-down kind of world, I am thankful to be able to take time to reflect and spend time with my husband, who is also not working.

"Be still and know that I AM God."  Psalm 46:10

I am grateful that families get to spend time doing activities that I did as a child...board games, puzzles, playing outside...instead of watching television or be on technology 24/7.

I am also grateful that many in our communities have stepped up to help those in need; those who are unable to grocery shop or who are shut-ins.  Those who do not have family close by...there are people who have offered to lend a hand (or toilet paper) as the case may be.

"I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”  Matthew 25:35

I am grateful that my family is safe and that they love me enough to say, stay where you are.  I was planning a visit but after much thought, we all decided it was better to wait until the United States had a better understanding of COVID-19.  

I am grateful that those I know who have autoimmune diseases are safe at home.

I am grateful that I have friends that I can call on...who are the calm in the storms of life.

I am grateful for the group of women who are Oola coaches...who meditated and prayed, via social media today.  How I needed that!

    "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20

Finally, I am grateful to God.  Today, I felt Him telling me that He is in control.  I believe COVID-19 is His way of saying, " world, you think you've got it all handled...but it's not you who is in charge...it's me.  Lean on me, not on yourselves." 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3: 5-6

 I have a healthy respect for that.  I also feel like He is saying to take care of His planet.  So much bottled water is going out the doors.  What about our natural resources?  Have we polluted them to a place that we can no longer drink out of a faucet?  It makes me wonder....

I also am grateful because a lot of people are reading my blog.  Some will delete it because I've mentioned God.  Others will wonder.  I am hoping some will pray.  God will always accept our prayers.  I am grateful that we have a loving God...that in times like these, it is to bring glory to Him and no doubt, we will rise to that occasion.  And so for those who are anxious, I offer this prayer...

"Our Father, who Art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.  Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread.  And forgive us our trespasses (sins), as we forgive those who trespass (sin) against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For thine is the kingdom, the power and glory, forever and ever.  Amen."

May you be blessed and be grateful for everything.

Now What?

confusion

[kənˈfyo͞oZHən]

NOUN

1. lack of understanding; uncertainty.

   "there seems to be some confusion about which system does what" ·

   [more]

   synonyms:

   uncertainty · lack of certainty · unsureness · indecision · hesitation · hesitancy · scepticism · doubt · ignorance · dubiety · incertitude

As I write today, I realize I am at a crossroads.  Either way could go very badly for me.  On the one hand, I could stay in teaching.  I have, of late, been filled with a certain sense of dread and anxiety when I think about returning to the profession.  On the other hand, if I choose to own my own insurance agency (which I am also trained for), I could fail miserably.  Oh, how my mentors would be sorely disappointed to see me in this sort of position.  It is not one that is fun, as it determines my future.  I am also a bit distressed to see the stock market taking such a plunge.  It makes me worry, does this effect the ability to sell insurance?  This, is confusion fueled by my underlying anxiety.

Right now, I am incapable of making any real meaningful decisions.  And so, I have left this in God's hands; something I forget quite often.  I lift my voice to God and ask that he take the driver's seat.  You see, confusion does not come from God ... it comes from the world.  In these times, when life seems scary and confusing, lift your voice to Him.  Pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  "Ask and it will be given..."  Maybe not how we expect it to be given but our prayers will certainly be answered.

You see, too often we are impatient...we try to take matters into our own hands.  That, is a sure recipe for disaster.  So these days, I have the time to slow down.  To listen to God.  Hear His voice.  What is it He wants me to know?  "Be still and know that I am God..."

At the end of the day, I realize that everyday problems have little meaning.  I am looking for my purpose in this life.  Where does God want me?  Where can I be of service?  What am I able to do that will help others?  We are the body of Christ...quite literally.  In this world, we are the hands that help, the voice that speaks, the eyes that see, the feet that get us where we need to go...We are His ambassadors.  It is not a job I take lightly, and neither should you.

And so, as I prepare for another day walking with Him, I meditate on this verse:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to  him, and he will make our paths straight.   Proverbs 3: 5-6

When you allow Him to be in control, all confusion and anxiety cease to exist.

Down the Rabbit Hole

Last year was sort of the breaking point for me.  Although I had loved my career as a teacher, I had run into one too many administrators who believed the hype about themselves.  And I was tired.  I left education and planned to open my own insurance agency.  However, I ran into several obstacles and making my timetable for opening longer than expected.  My husband wanted me to go back to work...understandable, since he was footing all the bills.  And I, quite frankly, was getting a tad nervous too.  In September, it looked as though my dreams would not come true until January and with half of our income subtracted from the family finances...well, it looked as though disaster were about to strike.  So I went back to work as a teacher.

At first, I loved the school I was in but then, began to notice the cracks.  In particular, I was placed in a classroom that had zero classroom management.  I made suggestions which were repeatedly rebuffed by the classroom teacher.  I was working with a long-term sub and a tutor.  Yet, it was their classroom.  Fine, I can accept that, since special education teachers seem to take a back seat when walking into another teacher's classroom.  Yet, chaos reigned.  There was no consistency or routine to the classroom management.  I'm not talking your usual classroom problems; rather, students walking in and out at will (even those that didn't belong there), students out of their seats, yelling obscenities at one another, yelling obscenities at me (because I was trying to straighten out this mess of a room) and even a fight, which I broke up.  After several months, something I had long forgotten had come back...anxiety.  I began to dread going to this class as I suffered through my anxiety issues.  I took medication and although better, still not enough.  As my doctor said, what if I took a shot of vodka before I came in to see you?  I get the analogy doc yet, this is real.  Although I had gone to administration before,  I took my issues in administration to someone who may be able to help because I.wanted.out.

I explained my situation at a time when there were 55 days left in the school year.  That is about a week and a half in "real" time.  I asked to be replaced for the remaining 55 weeks.  I wanted to switch with someone in order to take care of me.  And I knew I was at a tilting point by this time.  I was asked to write a letter explaining the situation and forward it to the principal.  A meeting was called.  In it was the principal, the admin I confided in about my anxiety and the long-term sub.  I'm not sure why the long-term sub was called in as all that was said to her was, "Congratulations on passing the Praxis.  You'll have a contract next year.  You just need to work on the discipline."

I, on the other hand, received the full wrath of the principal.   Well, what exactly is the problem Mrs. Grace?  Oh, you mean you only have this phobia during this class?  Not phobia, principal, but anxiety.  And yes.  I was lambasted, talked down to and in a sense, pushed to a place where no one should have to go.  I sat and listened, since he refused to take any questions I had.  Before I left, I had my peace.  "You don't know who I am ...  I have prayed for my students every single day for the past 11 years -- praying that the light of God will shine through me.  I care (I had been told I didn't)."

Instead of looking at me as a person, he looked at me as a color.  You see, I am a 60 year old white woman in a Title 1 school.  He saw a Trump voter (oh the irony).  What he didn't know, and I did explain, is that this isn't my first rodeo, buster.  I have worked in Title I schools before.  I prefer them.  I like working with at-risk youth.  However, I entered a classroom that already had a problem -- a big one.  I was told it was a difficult classroom but this was beyond the scope of my training.  I took all the steps I knew and even talked to instructional specialists and administration before I took this step, which I admit was extreme.  However, I took the time to explain what I needed to be, in order to be healthy and capable of performing at top level and I found that they didn't care. I am expendable.  My health is expendable.  It felt like I had been raped because I had been betrayed on so many levels.

The outcome?  I am on FMLA (family medical leave).  I left work that day because I was in full-blown health crisis.  My BP at the doctor's office was 178/108 (stroke level) and my pulse was 153.
I was, in effect, not pushed but shoved down the rabbit hole.  I could no longer function at my job.  I am losing three months salary. All because someone who was ignorant chose to tear me a new one; not alone, but in front of others.  It is not the humiliation but rather the betrayal that was so harmful.  The accusation that I didn't care or the tone that seemed to say, I don't believe you.  This from the man who had always maintained, if you ever need anything at all, come to me.  Right!  I did and you betrayed me.

He chose to ignore what I was saying...LISTEN!  Anxiety is real.  It is not "all in my head."   It is not an excuse to "get out" of a job assignment.  I have never, in 11 years, asked to be moved, and they knew that.  And trust me, I have been in some really tough job assignments.  Yet, they chose to take an approach that in all my years of teaching, I have never seen, let along experienced.  Good job, principal!  I'm not even sure I want to go back to education at.all.  Please don't believe the hype about yourself.  The reason your numbers for graduation look good are because the proficiency exams went out when you came in.  It was an act of God; not any real skill on your part.

As for me,  I am trying to pull myself together.  Deciding next steps.  It is, in a word, overwhelming.  I go to my counselor but he is busy of late, and my next appointment isn't until April.  After that, I have scheduled weekly ones through July.  I have not needed counseling for years because I had it pretty much together.  And now, because of a situation which could have easily been corrected and handled in a much more diplomatic way, I am back to square one.

As for me, I will recover, I'm certain.  For now, it is all about me.  Taking time to discern God's next steps for me.  I have some ideas but try not to think too much.  My very core is damaged.  It will take time to get over this -- not the sting of words but the complete lack of respect for another human being.  I want better for our kids of today.  If anything, I care too much.  I am not weak.  I am not fragile.  But I am human.  You took what I told you in confidence and chose to make a huge problem when it could have been resolved by, "yes, I can do this...I'm sorry you are sick" or "no, I cannot do this...I'm sorry you are sick." Or better yet, how can we help you?  If you are unwilling to help your staff, the lifeblood of your community, why would you be willing to help students who are struggling?

It is a question I struggle with...it is mind-boggling and too much to think about at this time.  I do know that this is most likely the end of my teaching career.  We have gotten to a point where the disrespect of others is a top-down problem rather than just a horizontal one.  The school will go on, kudos will be given to administrators and I am just another teacher who couldn't cut it.  Writing helps during times like these.  I always did want to become an author.  Maybe now is that time...

New Year, New Me

If I haven't said it, Happy New Year!  Having gotten that out of the way,  let's talk.  I have had a number of things in the works this year, and am settling into what I call, "mass confusion."  Just.kidding. 

I actually have determined a framework for the course of my life.  Goals.  Outcomes.  End dates, if you will.  In other words, I have SMART goals set.  If any of you don't know what that is, I refer you to the internet.

I have followed something called Oola for over 7 years now.  Through this, I have learned some very important things. 

1)  Set SMART goals.  It will get you where you're going, and keep you on track for your life goals and dreams.

2)  Get rid of any blockers - negativity.  Kick those vibes and thoughts out.

3)  Embrace the accelerators - positivity.  You get what you give.

4)  Never underestimate the power of the pals you hang with.  If you are struggling in an area, find a mentor.  They can lead you when you "can't see the forest for the trees."

5)  Have a life plan.  Look at 1 year, 5 years and 10 years.  Where do you want to go?  You couldn't find your way without a map, could you?  You are navigating new waters and so, you need a path for your journey.  Write it down.

6)  Look at where you are now.  "Where you are is where you are...it's not who you are." (@OolaGuru)  Don't let past failure(s) determine your future success.

7.  Change your mindset, change your life.  Kick out unwanted thoughts.  Stop brooding over the past and move forward.  None of us has had a perfect life.  Seriously, get over it (said the one who went through 3 years of therapy to get to her "happy" place).

As for me, this is it for "Love Letters".  I am moving to Wordpress and starting a new blog called Myplan - Mypurpose.  I think you will like it.  It is designed for all of those struggling with day-to-day issues; fitness, finance, field, faith, family, friends, and fun.  It is about helping you move beyond your current state and into a state of Oola.  Join me if you will.  After all, it's not about the destination but the journey.

Note to Parents: Do You Know What Your Kids are Doing?

 





Today's post is to all those who use their phones for the internet...basically, everyone.  You might wonder why I would make such a strong statement?  It's because I am watching it take our students down first-hand in the classroom.  What do I mean?

Nearly every high school student in this country has a phone.  It is a status symbol of sorts and a "must have" among today's youth.  I wouldn't mind students having phones if they were actually using them for a good purpose;  research, writing, mathematical calculations, watching scientific experiments.  Instead, they are on SnapChat, TikTok, FaceTime, YouTube videos and porn sites.  Yes, all this during class time and sadly, during instructional time.  I had a parent argue her son needed his phone so that if she needed to get in touch with him, he had it.  He was sent to the principal's for watching porn in class.

Parents,  I get that the phone is today's answer to yesterday's babysitting by television (you can't do that either today due to content).  However, during class time, it is expected your children will learn.  They don't.  I have students in high school counting on their fingers in an Algebra 2 class or using a calculator that does everything that pops up the answers.   Oh, and there are downloadable apps that all the student needs to do is take a picture of the problem and it solves it for them.  They just copy.  In my day, it was memorizing the math facts and using a slide rule.  Most likely,  you don't even know what a slide rule is. 

Parents, I have students today who cannot write a 5-7 sentence paragraph or quote sources.  When I was a junior in high school, I distinctly remember having to write a 10 page paper.  This required going to the library, looking up the information and writing down quotes on 3 X 5 cards along with the citation.  The majority of today's students cannot read at grade level, and in fact, YouTube has taken the place of teachers reading to them.

Parents, you students now have a great time-waster and distraction -- it is the cell phone in the classroom.  Try and take it away and it becomes a very serious thing; in fact, I was threatened by a student who did not want his phone taken.
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As we continue down this path, I wonder what it will be like in 40 years from now; when all these kids who are given a free pass in the classroom will be in the work force?  I am thankful because I'm certain I will be dead.  I do not want to see what our world will be like with these kids at the helm.

And so parents, this is a stern warning to you...the question used to be, do you know where your kids are?  Even if your kids are in school, they can do, see and get everything with little repercussion from the administrative powers that be.  I would ask you instead, do you know what your kids are doing?

We are educators, not glorified babysitters.  We are NOT the problem.  We are doing our best with what we are given.  You need to do your job.  Check --- who are your kids hanging out with after school?  Do they come home high?  A word of warning -- pot today can be laced with Fentanyl -- the gateway to heroin.    What web sites is your child perusing?  Perhaps you need to remove internet from the home and take your child to the library to do homework?    Or better yet, spend time with your child, helping them with their homework.

We have children failing in our schools today only to hear from parents, "What are you doing?"  Fortunately, I don't scare easily.  Instead, I would ask parents, "What are you NOT doing?" 

Let Them See You in Me

Have you ever heard the song, "Let Them See You in Me" by JJ Weeks?  It is amazing!  I used to listen to it a lot.  The other day, I was praying in my car on the way to work and I began to think about that song.  My prayer for that day was that my students would see Jesus through me.  As it turns out, I saw Jesus.  What do I mean by that?

It was an exceptionally rough day at work...so much for the last few days that I really don't think I can continue my teaching career.  But that's a whole other blog!  On this particular day, I had caught a student showing another student porn as he was on his cell phone.  Add to that, another student saying to me, "Fuck You!" for telling him to get out of the teacher's desk.  I certainly didn't deserve that.   It was disheartening, to say the least.  

The next day, when I returned to class, I was mocked for my actions of reporting the two students.  And then, I started to think about Jesus and did so for the next few hours, the next day...to be honest, my faith walk of late has not been the best.  I am not active in church; something which at one time I enjoyed.  What happened?  I don't really know.  But what I saw from those two incidents was the face of Jesus as he was on the cross...  Calling out to His Father to forgive others because they didn't know what they were doing...The mocking, the cursing, being beaten and hung for crimes not committed.  It drove me to the cross.  You see, we are to pick up our crosses and follow Him.  That day (that week, really) I was my picking up my cross to bear.

And so, the only thing I can do is pray and move forward; to pray for those who need the discipline and love that they receive from God through me.  They don't know it but if they would only open their eyes and hearts, their lives would change forever.

Courtesy of YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uOg-1JjAdGk