I know that women sometimes dream of being divorced. They wonder what it would be like to be completely alone; to do exactly what they please. But what's it like to really be divorced?
Ladies, before ending a marriage, I strongly suggest that you think long and hard. Being single is not easy. Before divorcing, I had to ask myself, "Are you willing to work two or three jobs if I have to?" The answer was yes. You see, when the pain of walking away is less than the pain of staying, that is when you know you are ready for a divorce. As for me and my three jobs -- yes, I have had to work them and it has been difficult. This year, I finally filed bankruptcy as I could not get ahead no matter how hard I tried. It was like being on a non-stop treadmill with no end in sight. Living paycheck to paycheck has been tough. Receiving a $92,000 bill payable upon receipt, for a house which was foreclosed upon three years ago, was the straw that broke this camel's back. I caved, swallowed my pride once again, and sought legal counsel. I'm not even sure it is the best decision but it is the only solution that I could reasonably surmise.
I have said over and over, divorce is not for the faint of heart; and it's not. I had to sell all of my jewelry -- pieces I loved -- to make ends meet. It was not easy. These were pieces I had purchased in the Middle East and were all 18 and 21 karat gold. I sold them for pennies on the dollar. Fortunately, I was an incredible negotiator and purchased the pieces for less than they were worth. In the end, I probably came out even. However, I had to really humble myself to be able to part with those things. In the end, they were just that; things. My only real goal was survival. I made it but just barely.
Before divorcing, I had to wait for my children to be grown. I had to make sure that my job would provide for me and my nearly-grown children. I had to make sure that I not only had one plan but several. If plan A didn't work, there was B, C, and D. It is scary. No one really knows the future and mine was tenuous at best. You find yourself alone and on your knees, praying to the Almighty because in the end, only He knows your future.
You can have a divorce decree but that doesn't mean it will be followed. I have gone back and forth over whether or not to go back to court to enforce it but at the end of the day, I don't have the money for an attorney. I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to move forward. I choose the latter.
At the end of the day, and countless hours of Christian counseling to remove my many scars, I have come into my own. I am genuinely happy. Getting a divorce was the right decision for me. I am still living paycheck to paycheck but I am working as hard as I can toward my future. I no longer look in that proverbial rearview mirror except to see how far I've come. It has been a journey; one filled with twists and turns. Were it not for the blessing of the people in my life, I'm not sure I would have survived. This past week, I parted ways with my counselor. I am, I believe, completely healed.
At the end of the day, I feel richly renewed. My spirit is full of His love. I see that He loved me enough to open my eyes and pull me out of my former life. The truth is, it wasn't life but a slow death. I continue to find things that confirm I made the right decision. My heart is bursting with joy and I use every experience -- good and bad -- as a lesson in humility and gratefulness.
My only advice to those contemplating divorce..."Be still..." and listen for His voice. He is God and He is here for you!
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