Today marks the two year anniversary of my divorce. It was, the emancipation of Lisa. In the past two years, I have grown in so many ways, I'm not sure it's possible to write everything down. However, I want to at least make the attempt. It is my way of saying, "Thank you, God!"
I must confess, the first year was hard -- extremely hard. Financially, it was nearly impossible to make ends meet. In fact, I didn't. I sold every piece of jewelry I owned, save a couple of pieces. It was the only way I could pay my bills. I lost 40 pounds because I found it impossible to eat. The year I divorced, I earned 17 hours of graduate credit while working two jobs. I knew I had to in order to survive financially the following year. Although I looked better than I had in years, I felt terrible. I was sad; deeply and profoundly.
When you divorce, regardless of the circumstances, you face the loss of a dream. My divorce came at a time when I should have been close to retirement, enjoying travel with my husband and living life to the fullest. Instead, I found myself living alone and just trying to survive. It was a tough road to hoe. It was humbling. I went from a 2800 square foot house three years prior to a 1300 square foot condo. My house was foreclosed upon. Most of my possessions were given to Goodwill and other charities as I did not have enough time to plan for a move; the divorce was March 21 and I moved May 1. I had no savings. Much of my inheritance, over $200,000 had been invested in a business that my ex now owned solely. I walked away. I wasn't sure where our money went when we were married but I know it was not coming to the house. His business made over $260,000 a year and I made another $40,000. Yet, I was given a little over $50.00 per week for groceries. Our cable bill was shut off, as was our alarm system. Our bills had been shuffled for months; pay the electricity, not the water. He had all the bills sent to the office, and swept our joint account. I was told the business was "hemorrhaging" from a loss of clients. I had no reason to think otherwise; we were in the middle of the bursting of the bubble in Las Vegas.
After my ex moved out, I found four months worth of bills in a file folder -- unpaid. I also discovered a multitude of indiscretions confirming what I already knew. It was the lies and betrayal that hurt most of all. Up until that time, I had become complacent in our marriage. We'd had our share of problems and I shut down. I went through the day to day. I had no friends in Vegas. My social personality was no longer. He and I danced an elaborate "dance" when we went out. No one suspected the depth of the unhappiness within our home. He and I had great "game faces". However, when he let it slip to me the business "only" made $260,000 in 2012, I knew there was a huge problem. Not having sex for the last ten years was the least of my troubles. No, it was deeper than that. And I realized, I was being held captive by a man who did not care for me any longer, and frankly, I doubt he ever did.
The year of the divorce, I was happy to have a job, and I worked paycheck to paycheck. I was okay with it for the most part. I was grateful to have a job, a roof over my head, family and yes, friends. Most of all, I clung to my faith because I knew God would be there to see me through. I found myself happy but a bit lonely.
Of course, God never puts us through difficult times unless He has a plan for us. And what a beautiful plan He had indeed. Just like a butterfly in a dark cocoon, I had to fight my way out so that I could spread my wings and fly. His plan for me was greater than I could even imagine. Just like a butterfly, no one could help me out of the cocoon. I had to do it myself, for to help me would mean certain death; I would not be strong enough to survive the world.
He led me to a church family that surrounded me with love. They prayed for me and blessed me in more ways than I could imagine. When I was supposed to go on a four day retreat and didn't even feel like I could do it, He found people to build me up. To encourage me -- to tell me, "Go!" I went. It was there I felt real agape love. It was a love I had never experienced before in my life. It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given. It was four days of peace and an exponential growth in my faith.
He told me to write. I did. I wrote down everything about my life. It was soothing and cathartic. It was a passion I never knew I had. Through my writing I not only found healing for myself but also learned that it helped others to heal. There was a gift in this; a ministry of sorts.
I discovered my own weaknesses; I had little, if no, self-confidence or self-esteem. I didn't know what defined love or marriage. Despite my level of education I still hit rock bottom; physically, mentally and financially. I think with divorce, it is inevitable. You see, in divorce, regardless of the circumstances, there are no "winners". Whether you come out financially ahead or not, it doesn't matter. You have severed a relationship, that for whatever reason, you gave credence to; and there is a certain finality to it.
However, it is in our weakness that God gives us strength. And He gave me His best! Over the past two years, I sought counseling and learned what constitutes a relationship. I found out that I was stronger and had more courage than I ever believed possible. My credit is slowly being rebuilt. I am ready for a relationship. God gave me the strength and put opportunities my way that allowed me to work two jobs so that I would have enough money to cover my expenses. Is it hard? Yes! There are some days I am so tired, I just want to cry. And sometimes, I do. But, I don't have the luxury of giving up. I am making up for lost time; time lost on living, loving and building a secure financial future.
Starting over is not easy. However, I have never looked back and said, "I wish I didn't..." My life is infinitely better as a single than it ever was when I was married. I smile more, laugh more and enjoy life. God has been good! He has laid people in my path who have mentored me along the way. I have been blessed in more ways than I could imagine.
And so, although I never encourage divorce, I know it was the right decision for me. I left my dark cocoon for the light of God. He helped me break free from the bonds of a marriage that had a stranglehold on me; a marriage filled with lies, betrayal and emotional abuse. He gave me the strength to not only test my wings but fly!
Divorce is not for the faint of heart. It is not an easy journey but rather one of many twists and turns. This has not been a flight of fancy but rather, a rising and falling. Sometimes with headwinds that send me backwards, and sometimes, a strong tailwind that propels me forwards.
However, as I continue through life, I find that this is a journey. No one can live my life for me. We should live life as a reflection of our Maker. God is the ultimate planner of our life; He is in control. And so, as I fly with full faith on the trajectory He has laid out for me, I allow Him to turn me into the creation He wants me to become. I am His; and He, mine.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17
As I move into this third year, the Lord continues to amaze me. Yes, my life is crazy, amazing. I never know what God has for me but I know it is because of His love that I am here today and able to share just a bit of my story. Watch for my upcoming book, "Not my Own" as you learn where life has taken me and the grace with which God has blessed me.
"Amazed" by Lincoln Brewster
https://youtu.be/jfnwdyrU5W8
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